Friday, July 20, 2007

open letters to people or entities who are unlikely to respond

Clearly ripped off from the McSweeney's gods.

An open letter to the Kingston Buskers Rendezvous 2007.

Dear Sir or Madam,
Some of us have to live here. Also, you are a fire hazard.
Wellington St. resident,
Meghan Sheffield

An open letter to the parents of the 10-year-old wearing a t-shirt that reads "Surrender the Booty."

Dear Sir(s) and/or Madam(s),
I'm assuming that you are unaware of the double entrendre implied on your son's "Surrender the Booty" t-shirt, and therefore thought it was a fine thing for your son to wear in public. After all, pirates are very big this year, your son is no where near sexual maturity and no one suspects children's clothing of supporting violence against women. It's an easy enough mistake to make, and no one blames.
Allow me to explain. Besides being 18th century slang for the goods stolen by waterborne criminals of the past, the word "booty" can also refer to "sexual intercourse; a person (especially a woman) regarded as an object of sexual ambition or desire. Also (occasionally): the female genitals," according to the Oxford English Dictionary, which also recommends cross-referencing the term with "ass."
Again, no one blames you or your parenting skills. After all, the OED itself states that the term is used "originally and chiefly among African-Americans," and you live in Kingston. That said, let it be understood that even though you may not be able to tell what all those fast-talking rappers on the television are saying, your 10 year old son certainly does.
Get that shirt off of your child, you sick, sick people.
Sincerely,
Meghan Sheffield

An open letter to the Quizno's Subs manager who fired me saying "You're just one of those people who can write a fine essay but you can't make a sandwich fast enough," circa 2003.

Dear Sir,
Here's hoping.
Sincerely,
Meghan Sheffield

3 comments:

L.Bo Marie said...

lol.
oh meg.

Jason said...

You're a force to be reckoned with.

Rachel said...

I can't believe you saw that shirt on a TEN YEAR OLD!